Monthly Archives: September 2012

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National Suicide Prevention Week

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I was  about 12-13 years old and being treated for depression.  My brother and I had gotten into an argument and I threw my sandwich at him and ran to my room crying.  I don’t remember thinking anything or being aware of what I was doing as I downed an entire bottle of anti-depressants.  Then it hit me, at least that’;s what it felt like, that what I did could kill me so I made myself throw up.  I had changed my mind but unfortunately the pills that were all ready dissolved didn’t get the memo.

For about three days I couldn’t move, no one even noticed until mom came up to talk to me.  She called my Aunt who was an EMT and  fortunately she was sober.  She came to our house and took my vitals, then she carried me down the stairs on her back.  My parents drove me to the hospital as I kept myself awake singing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt(no clue why).

I stayed for about a week while I detoxed and tried to understand my Doctor through his Russian accent.  My parents visited every day, I think grandma did too.  No one from school or any other members of my family that I know of.  Then I was finally transferred to Jones hill, a mental ward where I stayed untill my insurance ran out.  My parents being grateful I don’t have homicidal tendencies.

Today, especially when I’m off my meds I still get suicidal thoughts.  A Pert of me is convinced everyone would be better off without me.  Another part of me just wants to distract itself with eating or hurting myself in some way. These impulses often feel like they come from some where separate but it’s all a part of me, and everyone else. I do binge much to the annoyance of my back and joints but I’m usually able to resist hurting myself and by default my family.  Besides, funerals are damned expensive and my family is just barely above the poverty line, plus they’d have to clean up the mess.

Needless to say,after my rather unpleasant adventure were I found out that I like asparagus and I can get used to plastic sheets, suicide prevention became important to me.  I have found things that work for me like volunteering at and fostering for the Chautauqua County Humane Society, counseling, staying up to date on my meds, and workshops(thank you tax payers)  I’ve been able to keep my depression in partial remission.  If I can, so can you despite or in spite of what that pain in the ass part of you says. 

It’s a challenge, you can prove it/yourself wrong. 

Hers what I’ve learned about suicide.  It’s more common then murder, that means that it tests more families.  For example my mom knows someone who’s killed themselves and two days ago she went to the funeral of someone who’s killed themselves. To be destroyed is a response the family chooses .

A person who commits suicide or tries to is in an altered state.  This state causes them to doubt themselves and the good intentions of others.  It also amplifies pain, both physical and mental and causes the person to misread intentions and focus on negative things.  An example would be bullies, they say something mean and their prey actually considers what the say as truth.  This is something I did until I looked at it from different perspectives.  I realized that they may be going though something themselves and have chosen to lash out at me.  (“Don’t take you shit out on me!” has worked at least once, probably because I was bigger than them)  I also realized that these people were’nt important enough to me for their opinion to matter, to which they were gifted with an eye roll or a “Really? That’s it?  Your how old and the best you can come up with is that? Seriously?” 

I digress.  Another thing I’ve learned about suicide is that human nature sucks some times.  For example, the above paragraph,  also, the topic of this post.  That written human nature can be awesome in a good way too.  For example, the fact that, despite what the asshole part of you says, or how cruel people are to you there is always a way to climb out of rock bottom, even if it means you have to climb on top of  and purge the pricks in your life to do it.  There is plenty of proof of this ability too, for example, like half of the human race at least and the fact we aren’t extinct yet.

 

Some resources:

Friends, family,

The asshole in us all(like I said, it’s a challenge)

NAMI

USSurgeon General

SPRC

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline US,or 1-800-273-8255(TALK) though I’m sure where you are has one too

and a crap load of others.  If you need help feel free to ask.

 

Thanks for reading